Thursday, June 26, 2014

Hate Hungry, Parasitic Lineage, Switching Hands

I love Gene Wilder
I am very hungry right now so I am not sure how much I am going to write. I am distracted by the gurgling sounds of the cavernous pit that is my digestive tract. So far today I have eaten tortilla chip crumbs and coffee. I love eating food, but sometimes I wish there was some sort of magical pill that I could take that would just make me feel full and be done with it. Some sort of pill that you could take when you're on a that chewing gum from Willy Wonka and Chocolate Factory. Three course meal in the form of gum would be fucking awesome. Except all that fucking pot roast bullshit, that shit ain't plant based and Conky don't play that shit. I would want my chewing gum to be an appetizer of grilled asparagus, a main course of banh mi's and for dessert a bucket of Code Red. Fuck I am hungry. I wanted to work out today but I have no fuel in me. Probably just jerk off stale-fish like I always do and hope that makes me buff someday.

The average American child.
Otherwise, what else is pissing me off lately. Do you ever find yourself doing your daily trivial bullshit and then out of nowhere you are crushed by the absolute menial realities of life? I think we all have those moments, but fuck lately it has been hitting me more and more. Ever since I got back from that last tour it has just been really hard to get my shit back together and be nice to yuppies everyday. And little idiot kids, Kerry King damn kids these days are fucking stupid. For some reason on the weekends it seems like a lot more kids come into my work. Gnawing at the counter like parasitic beasts who feed off the suffering of others. But I can't blame them when I see who their mentors are. Where do people get their values from these days? The only ethos I gather from these insensate vermin is to "Shit on everything and whoever has the most toys wins."  And they never tip. If anyone reading this doesn't tip; fuck you. May the thundering woes of eternity consume you in your silken slumber. It confounds the senses when I see a fuckhead in 300 dollar leather shoes unable to grasp the concept of gratuity. In theory, I really like the entire idea of gratuity. Simply because it is something that everyone participating in can express their appreciation to others. Because it is not forced upon us, it makes the act of doing it far more philanthropic. But guess what, no one is interested in that. Which believe me, I hate everyone and most everything and I am morally bereft. But I posses the brain function that is capable of rewarding service with a gesture of a few extra bucks. I am going to start forcing the hand of some of these gold plated paleolithic monstrosities and hope to Kerry King they catch me in the act. I hope they take a swing at me and with their underdeveloped frontal lobe they will of course miss and I will be within societal statutes to unleash my impoverished rage upon them with molten fury and cunning strength. What a glorious day it will be. Long story short, put a dollar on the gratuity line you fucking shit-cannons.

"You have to let them know that you think they are shit."

My daily reaction to the sinew
that is humanity.
On the subject of gratuity and giving more, I read an article recently that spills this subject into the realm of music. The article was on the subject of fan entitlement, I won't bore you with the details and if you haven't already read it you can read it HERE. As with anything, I agreed with a lot of it and disagreed with most of it. But I was always taught to be a devil's advocate, and being a misanthrope I almost always hate most things most people have to say. But it did make me think about my relationship with fans at shows and my role as a sort of musical merchant. I can only tell you from my experience what this has been like, and only recently have I been in the "business" of selling merchandise to people. On the most recent tour I went on, I sold jack shit for the most part. And when I did, it was a HUGE help in putting gas in the tank to get to the next city where no one would buy shit. So I can say that it has a big impact when 2 or 3 people at a show buy even just a tape especially knowing that I probably won't be so lucky in the next town. So with that being said I am forever grateful for you people out there who find it necessary to help me out just because I am some shit-bag far from home and you maybe didn't think my band totally honked. And as a musician that is just the check you write when you want to be a part of this chapter of life. But the flip side to that coin is, no one owes anyone anything. As a musician, I go to every show expecting that everyone will hate my band and talk shit about us during and after the show and literally throw feces into my mouth as I sing and will physically attack my drummer and hold me down as they beat him up and I cry and scream for them to stop but they keep shoving feces down my throat until I choke and suffocate on the excretion of their hatred. That is where I set my bar for every show. Anything above that is just vegan gravy. So though I do really appreciate when someone buys my shit and it is flattering to know they maybe liked our set, I am just grateful they didn't piss on my T-shirts and walk away. This is a subject that I could go on and on about and I really don't feel like doing that right now. I may touch on this more in the future but the long and short of it is everyone thinks their band is fucking cool and everyone is an asshole for not buying your shit: they're not and your band is shit. And everyone thinks that people who go to shows are over privileged ungrateful shit-bags: they probably are just like most people. But hey, at least they stomached your "art" for 20 minutes. I hope to fuck you only played a 20 minute set. What's with all these shitty bands thinking they're Metallica? I see these bar rat bands all the fucking time that play for 45 minutes to an hour. I can't even get started on that shit right now. Fucking artists. What a joke. Sorry guys I am grumpy I haven't eaten. I'm just some fucker from Conklin. God hates us all.

P.S. When I saw Bolt Thrower they were charging 10 bucks per shirt and could have easily obtained triple or quadruple that amount. True road warriors. Meanwhile, most bands charge 60 dollars for a poster made of rice paper and dried seminal fluid. Highway robbery.

"No guts, no glory."

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Ruin Your Day, Listless Listing, Endling

It has been a long while since I have posted on this blog. Primarily because I have had very little to say for a while now. But RUINED just got home from a tour to the East Coast and back and it seems like a decent topic to break the ice with again. I won't go over every intimate detail of the journey, but if anyone gives a shit about this kind of shit, then this shit might be up your shit alley.

We called it the "Baja Blast Tour 2014." And it was glorious.
May 26th Grand Rapids, MI - Better turn out than I expected. I spent most of the tour talking about how much of a shit-shack GR is but it is my shit-shack nonetheless.

May 27th Detroit, MI - Played at the Trumbullplex. It was a last minute show and only two bands ended up playing. We played with a band called Catmom who are the two piece version of a band called Social Work. Both members were fun to talk to. We ate vegan mac and cheese and it was fucking delicious. This was a review we got before the show. Billowing distortion, muffled vocals, and a meditative pace. Ruined have mastered all the elements of shoegaze. But where much shoegaze frolics in the summer twilight, this Grand Rapids duo plods through the cold night. With just bass and drums, they're able to cover a lot of dark ground. Sometimes their sound is delicate and lovely, sometimes harsh and heavy, but always bleak and dejected. There's something strangely invigorating about such a sustained look into the shadows.”

May 28th Berea, OH - Loaded our gear out in the pouring rain and drove to Ohio. Played to about 4 high school kids and a girl with a Slipknot shirt who doesn't listen to Slipknot. As a first sergeant in the Maggot Army this offended me greatly.

May 29th Buffalo, NY - This was probably the best show of tour. Every band was insanely good. The first band was a bunch of high school kids playing shoegaze influenced almost metalcore. It was weird to hear at first but it was kind of cool in the end. Unfortunately I was actually sleeping in the car during their set. I needed a quick 15 minute nap and I felt way better the rest of the night. But everyone really dug them. Then a drum and bass band played and they had a very post-punk quality to them and they were good and fun to listen to. Before the show I met a guy named Dan who complimented my Mournful Congregation shirt and we talked about funeral doom and Wolves in The Throne Room for a while. He played a bleak metal noise set after the post-punk band and it was incredible. Easily the best noise set I have ever seen. It was really great to meet him and be able to relate about music. We played our set after his and it went really well. Everyone really liked us and Sky was on fire. The energy in the room was potent and visceral. The only downside was I was losing my wind on the vocals a little. But otherwise our set went really well and everyone received us in a great way. The last band was a father son funk drum and bass band. They were astoundingly talented and I of course love slap bass. But the analogy I used after the show was "Watching their set was like watching someone jerk off. It's fun at first but after the first 10 minutes I just wanna go to fucking sleep." They were pretty much a jam band, so I was really into them for the first 4 songs of their set, but the next 7 were rough to get through. I appreciate virtuosity for what it is: a building block to creating actual music. That was the stuff I was into my teen years but eventually I realized that you have to take what you learn from the theory, precision and obsessive practice and actually write music that will change your life and possibly others. Don't get me wrong, it was fun watching their set but I lose momentum after 10 or 15 minutes with that shit. This coming from the boring ass gloomgaze musician who has 10 minute long songs.

Story of my life.

May 30th The Road - Drove from Buffalo to Boston. Went to bed.

May 31st Boston, MA - Hopped onto a punk show at the venue we were going to playing the next night. This show went better than our actual show.

June 1st Boston, MA - Played our gig. The screw came out of my bass and our set fell apart. Everyone rejoiced.

June 2nd Boston, MA - Jerked off stalefish and watched Rocky.

Our goal.
June 3rd Brooklyn, NY - This show sucked shit. We played really well and had fun but no one came out. And during our set the sound guy kept telling me to turn down and even had an Ipad with an app that read decibels and was waving it around to get a reading. I fucking hate bars I don't know why I ever play them. No one ever gives a shit. Everyone there is just trying to get laid and is pissed that the bands are playing too loud so they can't talk. Why do people always have to fucking talk? Fuck talking. Needless to say, apparently we were loud enough that the beer glasses were shaking on the bar and they got pissed. We didn't get paid and I sold one tape to a guy in the first band who was really cool called Junkyard. Otherwise I did have the best falafel of my life after the show at a place called "Oasis" in Williamsburg. Then we had to unload all of our shit again after we got to Graham's so we didn't get ripped off. Needless to say I was fucking wiped out by the end of the night. 

June 4th Brooklyn, NY - Philadelphia fell through. So we jerked off stalefish and watched Bob's Burgers. 

June 5th Pittsburgh, PA -  This show also went really well. We were pretty ornery after our 7 hour drive especially since the car was acting fucking stupid. But we arrived after a long journey through the mountains of Pennsylvania. We had pretty low expectations when the opening act was a man in a gold dress banging a gong that had a contact mic on it. But the second band was a really cool hip hop R&B band that used a lot of samples and electronic beats. It was really fun to listen to even though Sky and I were in the basement groaning because we had to set up basically in a closet. But we played our set and everyone seemed to like us and they donated really well which I was very grateful for. I have never played a bad show in Pittsburgh, it is easily my favorite city I have been to. We ate at a place called "Spak Brothers" and I had the best vegan hoagie of my life. 

June 6th The Road - The car kept acting fucky so we had to bail on Columbus and limp our way back to GR. We were not missed and everyone got more sleep without our presence. Everyone won.

So there it is, our first tour in the bag. We plan on taking a show hiatus until we can get a van and sort out our other logistically issues. Otherwise we will remain very much so active behind the scenes as we begin working on a full length record that we hope to start recording later this year. I am going to try and keep updating this blog with both RUINED updates and of course sporadic rants about my day to day life. God hates us all, stay gloomy you know the drill.