Thursday, December 5, 2013

Jeff Dan-Kills, Get Over Here!, A Magnificent Missive From The Loquacious Lavatory

Pretty sure this smoothie could be made vegan.
Just use some almond milk for that shit.
And go to the health food store for
some seitan moose testicle.
I am up and about bright and early once again on this humdrum day. Which of course I am grateful for. I am content with any time I can spend outside the bastille of torment that is my vocation. I am just sipping on some coffee which is tasting surprisingly good for how cheap it is. "Anything free is worth saving up fer'." Yeah, I just quoted "Escanaba In Da' Moonlight." Have you seen that movie? I think the first half was really good and funny, but then it turned into a weird alien/cursed woods thing. One day when I am a billionaire I will remake that movie and have an alternate ending where Jeff Daniels realizes that slaughtering innocent animals is not a rite of passage into manhood but a descent into madness. And in my movie instead of the whiskey turning into sap, Jeff Daniels turns mega vegan straight edge and ends up smashing the whiskey jars over his brother's head. Then he goes all black ops and stalks all the other hunters in the woods and kills them all with his bare hands thereby liberating the Northern woods from all of nature's trespassers. Then he goes home to his family carrying a Tofurkey on his back and lives a long happy life which is extended and enriched with no cholesterol and reduced risks of heart disease, diabetes, cancer, and erectile dysfunction. I will have to save some money to remake the Mortal Kombat movies though. That was one promise I made to myself when I was young. Fuck those were bad when they could be SO FUCKING GOOD.

This I never got. Was a spear that jettisoned from the hands not cool enough?
Back in Earth Realm though, things are pretty quiet around here as always. I have been pretty sick the last few days so I have basically been sucking down lemon ginger tea and daydreaming like I always do. Apparently there is a festival that happens in a few cities across the country called "Two Piece Fest" which as you may have guessed is a fest exclusively made for bands that have only two members. It is happening in February and unfortunately I did not learn about this until yesterday and they were seeking bands back in August. But I want to try and see if I could get Ruined involved. It's a long-shot but it would be really cool to play something like that. I have yet to play live so it's pretty stupid that I am trying to get on this but it's basically 3 months away so I am pretty sure I could pull it together by then. Also I have some half ass ideas about getting a vehicle for touring and shit. Obviously as I said, these are mostly the delusional ideation of a desperate fool but hey why not beguile myself. Whatever gets me through the day.

Now those are some poopy hands.
Weird that he's actually dead now.
Keep that sage burnin' unless you want
poopy hands and thighs.
To each their own I say.
Otherwise, I have been listening to yet another primarily 2 piece band called Crystal Castles a lot and have been really enjoying it. I always liked that band but never gave them the attention they truly deserve. And though I am learning more and more everyday, listening to them makes me realize how little I actually know about recording and creating a great sounding record. If you listen to one of their songs, they have so many layers and little things happening all at once and it all comes together so well. Obviously I am assuming they had help from producers and recording wizards, and I am just some jerk-off from Conklin trying to mold some shit into a shitty bowl of music that might hold someone's attention without leaking too much. I am basically Patrick Swayze in "Ghost" but instead of being all sensual with clay, I am being tormented with trying to turn feces into gold. And in the end I just wind up with poopy hands. Speaking of poopy hands; I just went to the bathroom and was playing some Ruined songs on the ole bass guitar, and when I was done I needed some bathroom tissue to cleanse my unholy blighted spaces. But the roll was put in so you pull it from the bottom. Which of course means you pretty much have to use both hands to tear off any sheets. Well what about people like me who need one hand to hold their bass guitar they brought into the facilities with them? HMMMMMMMM?????? Who the fuck does that? Its up and over or fuck-all for this cowboy. I must investigate who is doing this abominable act.

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