Thursday, December 19, 2013

Mastering Adequate, Feinting Goals, Boring Business

Hopefully this happens if I ever sign to a label. 
I am taking a short break from mixing so I figured I would update this shit. I am actually hoping to be done with Ruined's very first release by the end of the day today. I was planning on sitting on it and mixing it for the rest of the month but then I realized, that would go against my "Fuck it, do it live" ethos. I am a firm believer in not over-thinking when it comes to artistic projects. When I was in high school, I was really into non-objective painting. Obviously a lot of paintings in that style are garbage but I always liked Jackson Pollock and a few other artists. I found it exhilarating to add layer after layer of paint and really the potential is endless to create whatever you want. But it is more difficult then other styles of painting as far as knowing when you should stop. You could have something really cool on the canvas but if you add just even one more splash or layer you could ruin the whole thing. So that's why I think by the end of the day today I am probably just going to walk away from mixing and decide that it's good enough. One day when I am a rock star I can have some other jerk-off do all the mixing. Especially since I know only Jack and Shit about mixing and unfortunately Jack just left town.

I always liked this one. It's coo.
This is probably what will
actually happen.
As far as other Ruined plans go, this is my pipe dream list of goals that I have in mind for myself. Firstly I am going to put out this EP which I am calling "Vessel." It is 5 songs and barring some drastic changes it's just over 30 minutes long. I will probably be putting up the digital release on Bandcamp either today or in the next few days. I am broke as fuck right now so I am going to plan on doing a physical tape release hopefully by mid to late January. It will come with a lyrics booklet and a poster that I have been working on. It's nothing fancy but it's sort of cool. Then after that release, I have music recorded for a split I am doing but I am planning on adding another song to that one so I am not sure when that will be put out. Probably sometime in February or March. Details are vague on that at the moment. But otherwise I am planning on recording that extra song for the split and then immediately start working on an all guitar EP of another 5 songs I have cooking. I have no idea what I am doing for vocals or anything on that so that is a HUGE pipe dream at the moment but who knows. I plan on that having one song on electric guitar and all the rest on acoustic. Otherwise probably one more split after that and then I should probably start thinking about a full length finally after all of that shit. As far as gear goes, I have to get that new bass, a better bass rig and sooner than later I need to get a van. I want to play Grand Rapids a few times and then start touring as soon as possible.

Fuck businessmen.
Keep it real George.

Love this movie.
Now that all that boring music update bullshit is done with, what else is going on? Let's see...oh the crotch in my work pants has blown out really hardcore. Kind of turning into a denim thong really fast. I am waiting for a customer to pull me to the side and tell me, "Excuse me, your balls are showing. Bumble Bee Tuna!" What else, my hatred for humanity grows with every waking moment but hey what's new huh!? All these mouth breathers and business man assholes who are nothing but empty suits really piss me off lately. I find comfort in knowing that their lives are monotonous beyond comprehension though. My life is fucking boring but holy fuck I can't imagine what a day for them is like. "Hey Brett, did you hear about Alan down in corporate accounting? Well, he's been using "egg shell white" paper for years but now he has been using "vanilla cream" for his faculty memos. I know right? That's what Linda said. That Linda sure is something huh? Too bad we all have prostates the size of cantaloupes so our penises are nothing more than flaccid wet beef jerky strips. Jerky sounds good actually I am going to go down to the vending machine want anything?" Those sad fucks.  Also, I always have typos but if they have been worst lately it's because I spilled Wild Cherry Pepsi all over my keyboard and now it's all sticky. Specifically the "L" and "O" buttons are bad. And the quotation mark key is really fucking bad I just realized. So yeah, that's kind of driving me insane. AnywhoooOO''''l''OoLLLLl""l"""'''ll''oo Olll''''"''L"OOloLLoO"""''' FUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, December 13, 2013

Mole Asses, Jolliest Asshole This Side Of The Nuthouse, A Dwarf Is A Dwarf Of Course Of Course

ZZ Top rhymed "molasses" with
"sunglasses" in that one song they
wrote that one time. I couldn't think
of anything else molasses related.
Have you ever put brown sugar in your coffee? I was in a tight spot the other day sugar wise and I did the ole "Fuck it, do it live" maneuver which always gets me out of tight jams. I added brown sugar and I gotta tell you, it is worth experiencing. I think molasses is coo. If anyone ever put a chainsaw to your larynx and wanted to know your thoughts on molasses, would you have a well developed and articulate answer for them? These are the scenarios I train for daily. Though they are rare, you will be kicking yourself when the time comes for getting beheaded due to simple unpreparedness. I love molasses. Has lots of uses and believe it or not has some great health benefits too. To any fellow vegans our there, I highly suggest you consider making it a semi-regular part of your semi-sweet diets. It is high in two nutrients that vegans need to seek out: iron and B6. It also has calcium, manganese, magnesium, and potassium. I use it for soups a lot and that is that secret shit right there. Caramelize some sweet potatoes and ginger. You feeling that shit? Get some water boiling and add that sweet sweet molasses. Now we're starting to make some money, you picking up what I am throwing down? Burr that shit together which some onion, carrot and garlic and you got yourself a meal fit for a Maggot. I can't reveal all my secrets from the P.M.C.C.C.  That's the "Potato Mine Community Culinary College" for those unfamiliar with that establishment. But alas, molasses is essentially the byproduct left over during the creation of processed sugar. You know that bleached asshole sugar I have mentioned in the past? (CLICK HERE to be hyper-linked to that blog post.) So basically all the nutrients that are sucked out of sugar cane plants is left in molasses in a bucket of bitter but balanced beautiful blobby goodness. It's puzzling why that shit is so expensive though. It's kind of like charging someone to take your poop off your hands. So many nutrients and applications!

Shitter was full.
Though I fear to be associated with boring white people, I have been really into listening to Trans-Siberian Orchestra as many people have been I'm sure lately. Bare in mind, probably at least 50 percent of their material is total fucking garbage. I fucking hate when they get all "bluesy" and they consign bloated dead-weight "rock n' roll" vocalists to sing about how Jesus was just one of the good ole boys coming to get the party started up in here. But I love when they stick close to their classical training. Some of the most beautiful guitar work I have ever heard. I have a very special place in my heart for Xmas music believe it or not. First of all, a lot of it is actually dark as shit if you read the history and lyrics in these songs. Some were entirely used to release music under the watchful guise of tyrannical monarchies and religious fascists. They were too naive to read between the lines, and just the minor keys that they worked within are heart wrenching even to the casual music listener. Which is why I am not surprised that some of the very first songs I ever learned on my own were Xmas songs. I would practice "God Rest Ye' Merry Gentlemen" and "Faith Noel" everyday for months and it would be summertime. Perhaps it was because I was born just before Xmas, but despite the capitalist bastardizations and Christian thievery, (Xmas was of course a pagan celebration of the winter solstice,) Xmas will always be a cherished time for me. And I know that TSO is playing Grand Rapids in 2 days but I obviously can't afford to go, nor would I really want to. I'm sure it would be really awesome to see, but as I said before I am confident that half the show would be insufferable.

I want to learn this song today.

This is the scene with Bilbo and the Dragon.
The movie trailer made it seem way more intense.
I want to be an Elf when I grow up. 
Otherwise, I got up WAY later then I normally do today because I was up all night watching the midnight showing of "The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug." I got home and my adrenaline was pumping too hard still so I ended up staying up till 5 a.m. and watched "Good Luck Chuck" to calm my nerves. Have you seen that movie? The premise is dreadful, and why is it always the Goth kid who has to be the antagonist in movies? "The Crow" kind of turned that on it's head I guess. But anyways, the movie last night was awesome. And without spoiling too much, the ending was a huge fucking cliff hanger. The movie did involve a Hobbit though it you were unaware. It also had some wizards in it, like a dozen dwarves and a couple of elves. I hope that didn't ruin the movie for you. But if was really nice hanging out with my old friend Karen who I hadn't hung out with really since the last "Hobbit" movie came out which is really fucking sad. To any old friends I may have who reads this, always know that I think of you often and usually in a fond way. Sometimes a song will play and I will just start crying because I miss someone so intensely. "Into The Fade" by Queens of the Stone Age came on yesterday and I teared up thinking about my old pal Monte. Here I go again. I didn't get enough sleep I am too emotional. God Hates US All, Maggots For Life, Nu Metal Lives.  

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Jeff Dan-Kills, Get Over Here!, A Magnificent Missive From The Loquacious Lavatory

Pretty sure this smoothie could be made vegan.
Just use some almond milk for that shit.
And go to the health food store for
some seitan moose testicle.
I am up and about bright and early once again on this humdrum day. Which of course I am grateful for. I am content with any time I can spend outside the bastille of torment that is my vocation. I am just sipping on some coffee which is tasting surprisingly good for how cheap it is. "Anything free is worth saving up fer'." Yeah, I just quoted "Escanaba In Da' Moonlight." Have you seen that movie? I think the first half was really good and funny, but then it turned into a weird alien/cursed woods thing. One day when I am a billionaire I will remake that movie and have an alternate ending where Jeff Daniels realizes that slaughtering innocent animals is not a rite of passage into manhood but a descent into madness. And in my movie instead of the whiskey turning into sap, Jeff Daniels turns mega vegan straight edge and ends up smashing the whiskey jars over his brother's head. Then he goes all black ops and stalks all the other hunters in the woods and kills them all with his bare hands thereby liberating the Northern woods from all of nature's trespassers. Then he goes home to his family carrying a Tofurkey on his back and lives a long happy life which is extended and enriched with no cholesterol and reduced risks of heart disease, diabetes, cancer, and erectile dysfunction. I will have to save some money to remake the Mortal Kombat movies though. That was one promise I made to myself when I was young. Fuck those were bad when they could be SO FUCKING GOOD.

This I never got. Was a spear that jettisoned from the hands not cool enough?
Back in Earth Realm though, things are pretty quiet around here as always. I have been pretty sick the last few days so I have basically been sucking down lemon ginger tea and daydreaming like I always do. Apparently there is a festival that happens in a few cities across the country called "Two Piece Fest" which as you may have guessed is a fest exclusively made for bands that have only two members. It is happening in February and unfortunately I did not learn about this until yesterday and they were seeking bands back in August. But I want to try and see if I could get Ruined involved. It's a long-shot but it would be really cool to play something like that. I have yet to play live so it's pretty stupid that I am trying to get on this but it's basically 3 months away so I am pretty sure I could pull it together by then. Also I have some half ass ideas about getting a vehicle for touring and shit. Obviously as I said, these are mostly the delusional ideation of a desperate fool but hey why not beguile myself. Whatever gets me through the day.

Now those are some poopy hands.
Weird that he's actually dead now.
Keep that sage burnin' unless you want
poopy hands and thighs.
To each their own I say.
Otherwise, I have been listening to yet another primarily 2 piece band called Crystal Castles a lot and have been really enjoying it. I always liked that band but never gave them the attention they truly deserve. And though I am learning more and more everyday, listening to them makes me realize how little I actually know about recording and creating a great sounding record. If you listen to one of their songs, they have so many layers and little things happening all at once and it all comes together so well. Obviously I am assuming they had help from producers and recording wizards, and I am just some jerk-off from Conklin trying to mold some shit into a shitty bowl of music that might hold someone's attention without leaking too much. I am basically Patrick Swayze in "Ghost" but instead of being all sensual with clay, I am being tormented with trying to turn feces into gold. And in the end I just wind up with poopy hands. Speaking of poopy hands; I just went to the bathroom and was playing some Ruined songs on the ole bass guitar, and when I was done I needed some bathroom tissue to cleanse my unholy blighted spaces. But the roll was put in so you pull it from the bottom. Which of course means you pretty much have to use both hands to tear off any sheets. Well what about people like me who need one hand to hold their bass guitar they brought into the facilities with them? HMMMMMMMM?????? Who the fuck does that? Its up and over or fuck-all for this cowboy. I must investigate who is doing this abominable act.