It's been a while since I have pontificated about my own life. I think about my life all the time obviously just as I am sure you all have. But I never truly look within myself unless I have that sunken feeling in the pit of my stomach and I am sitting in the dark with only monitor and candlelight listening to Mogwai. I haven't done it in a while because for the most part I have been generally happier than I was this time last year. One time in particular I recall was I was supposed to play a show with my old band Chumm, but was so stricken with grief that I was unable to leave the sanctuary of my room or the cathartic oasis of my floor. I was thinking about that night and what it meant to me that my friend Megan gave me a long hug and let me cry. I really used to be fucked up, and I know that I wasn't getting the proper emotional input from my romantic relationships. So staying away from shitbags has been really good for me. But inevitably that dark tide always rises up and washes over me. Sometimes I can't explain it, a lot of times I can but doubt that many people would understand. And I also don't really believe in making other people carry my burdens. But sometimes I really just fucking hate everybody. Everything they do, everything they say. It's ugly. I believe a lot of people are better than the actions they are committing but I know that a lot of people probably feel the same way about me.
I just feel there will always be a barrier between myself and the rest of humanity. Even my closest friends and relationships have something that just makes that euphoric connection dim. It's really no ones fault but my own. I have said this many times but I feel that most people have at least the majority of the emotional tools needed to truly connect with other people and to find peace within themselves. I believe that some of those tools were taken or faded somehow. Some days I just wake up as many of you do and think, "I feel like I might die today." I can't put my finger on why I feel that way, I just sort of wonder what if I were to die today. Then I take in signs like walking through the grocery store and I overhear a guy talking about someone he knew who had a brain aneurysm at 27 and I take that as "Yep, today's the day Zach." And you know what, it doesn't really bother me that much. I don't know if that is apathy or just being too tired, but I fantasize about how all memory of me will fade like any good or bad memory. I am getting kind of tired and I know this didn't really go anywhere. Sometimes I just like to throw things out there. God hates us all. Good night.
"We Wish We Were Dead"