Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Jack Blackness, "Doing It Live: A Maggot's Guide To Pit Living," God Kills Us All

Conky should have stayed dead.
It's been a bit. I know you all begin to worry when you don't have insight into my comings and goings. You can all loosen the nooses and step back from the ledges Conky's back. I'd like to begin by talking about a subject I have had much interest in over the years: electricity. When I was in high school I was obsessed with the exploits and life of Nikola Tesla. Which is someone I found affinity with despite dying three decades prior to my birth. But that is a tale for another time, right now I want you to go to your fuse box and flip all the switches until all your power has shut off. I'll wait.............done yet?...well I guess if you did do it you can't fucking read this anymore unless you are on a laptop or some shit so I guess just pretend for a minute. Can you imagine an existence without power? Really think about it, how long could you deal with absolutely no electricity? Personally, I think I would last about an hour. Even now the heat of this laptop is warming my crotch, cooking all the sperm I have brewing downstairs. What would I do without sperm cooking technology on my lap at all times? I tell you what I would do, buy a bullet and rent a gun cause Conky don't play that shit. (Yeah I go by Conky now.) Speaking of brewing, can all these micro-brewery keg-humpers just fuck off already? God that shit is fucking dumb. And yeah, maybe civilization began because of beer. Civilization fucking sucks why would you use that? Have you seen civilization? Civilization is 100 0z. Racist Cola, Homophobic Hamburgers and cheese stuffed Misogyny Meal Combos. Fuck civilization and fuck these barley boners. Cut the power lines and watch the stone age wash away the carefully calibrated osmosis filtration systems, complete with stainless steel magnanimous foreskin magnification modulators. I reject this fucking race...

Have you seen this movie? Neither have I. 
Well, now that I am finished with that rant, I have a fun story! For once in my miserable existence I actually went out of my way to go to a social situation and I didn't totally regret it moments after going! On the 5th I went and saw one of my favorite bands of all time The Dillinger Escape Plan. I was trying to decide whether or not I wanted to go because that's what I do with every situation. 9 times out of 9.1 I always decide to not go. But I knew I was going to regret it if I didn't take this opportunity. I had zero interest in any of the other bands that were playing. (Seriously, check out THIS VIDEO for the band The Faceless. Fucking atrocious...) But I decided it was worth the ticket to see DEP so I had a spotter go early and he let me know when I should make my appearance. I won't even bother trying to describe their live show. Relentless pathological sonic slaughter doesn't even come close.  But despite their performance, probably about 75 percent of the room was standing around drinking and smoking. I forgot to mention this show was at a venue known as "The Intersection." Which for anyone who is not from Grand Rapids, it should be known as where the asshole intersects with the genitalia, "The Taint." This place is probably the worst place for a show but people who buy beer and like smoking weed in the pit, this is your paradise. Us "fans" will try not to ruin your homogenized existence. Only thing worst then those people are the giant mongoloid men who felt that the mosh pit was their turf and anyone making any sudden movements was disturbing the delicate ecosystem they were trying to preserve. They wear shirts that say "Mosh Pit Nation" or some other bro-core bullshit attire. I don't understand how they have fun standing like obelisks in the center of the fray and will abruptly shove anyone who comes near them. Fuck these bullies, fuck these vile vigilantes and fuck everybody now that I think of it.


I wanted to end today on a sad note. As many of you know Jeff Hanneman of Slayer died May 2nd. This came as a crippling blow once again just weeks after the loss of Chi Cheng of Deftones. Though Slayer only entered my life a short decade ago, the mark they and Jeff have left on me is unending and it saddens me deeply to know that any of my heroes could be stricken down. Let alone the rib-cage rupturing riffs and penis piercing precision of Jeff Hanneman could be silenced forever. I think more and more about how sad it is that we don't realize what is important to us until it's too late. But no one has the energy to be pensive, or the patience to be mindful. We're all too busy with our routines we call living. These musicians I admire are truly alive and when they pass on I just feel empty. A shell of something I was trying to be. Once again, I have no answers or wisdom to bestow. Rest in flames brother, next string shredded wound will be for you.

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