Ugly Fuckling, When It's Time To Gloom We Will Always Gloomy Hard!, Fistful Gains

Feeling a little bit better today. Yesterday was really awful, those dreams just really fucked me up. My social anxiety has been pretty bad again too. I went to the grocery store yesterday and I avoided eye contact as often as I could. Then I bought some comfort food (cracked pepper and sea salt potato chips with a fine bottle of Mountain Dew Code Red. Meal of champions.) It did help though, every now and then we should splurge and just be pieces of shit for an entire day. I watched the movie "Election" with Matthew Broderick and Reese Witherspoon and it was a weird movie. It felt like they were trying to do something interesting but it just wound up being stupid. I also watched "Just Friends" with Ryan Reynolds and Amy Smart and related a lot with it. I was a fat fuck in high school. Luckily that's why I played bass every day all day and masturbated all the time. I still masturbate all the time but I don't play nearly enough bass. But the movie itself was just okay, the ending kind of swiftly came like a demon in the night. This blog is basically me whining and talking about dumb romantic comedies that I watch. Awesome.

Listening to Andrew W.K. right now. When my gloom levels get too high for my brain  to even continue sustaining life, I put on Andrew W.K. first thing. He just centers me, I feel like I could either be in a gloomy shoegaze band the rest of my life, or the bass player for Andrew W.K. Seems like a bit of an oxymoron but I would mosh so fucking hard for that guy. I often times think "What would Andrew W.K. do?" when it comes to my daily decision making. He is my muse, my flame.

Aside from all of that, I am going away for a little while tonight. I am doing something I don't want to do for fiscal gains. I will let you all use your imagination to ponder what that could mean. God Hates Us All.

Eyelid, The Myth of Sincerity, March Forth Into The Fray

I just woke up a little while ago. I had extremely awful dreams all night long, but when I thought about them even for a moment, I realized that with very little imagination they all were true one way or another. Familiar faces doing familiar things until eventually it all came into focus.

I think in a lot of ways, my troubles all began when I started believing in the character of others. I was young and naive and didn't understand that people don't give a shit about anyone else unless it behooves them in some way. I have been lucky to have a great family my entire life, but somewhere along the way I lost the tools that other people seem to have that give them happiness. Perhaps I never had them at all or they were taken away from me. But when I learn from my mistakes, that wisdom brings me no solace. People would much rather leave you behind then consider forgiveness or compassion. They would rather consider the next 5 seconds of their life before they would ever consider the next 5 years of yours. Vulnerability is met with contempt, generosity with suspicion, rationality with rage. I have such little understanding with anyone on this Earth. If you have that with anyone else I would cherish it as often as you can. The rest of us must break a part with every step. The worst part is we have to do with a smile on our face so we don't get even more excluded for being such a bummer bro.

So what is the point? I find inspiration in words and music. Enough so that is drives me to do the same. To expel all of my energy into the void where maybe a few exceptional minds may dwell. I hope the answer is out there for all of us. Try to be happy, when that inevitably fails, stay gloomy.

Shit Storm, Burning People In Oil: A Nice Christian Tradition, Stagnation And The Infinite Sadness

What a shitty day out am I right? I love days like this. The outside world supports my ability to sit in the dark alone and away from fresh air. Like I give a shit what the mouth breathers think but still. If I wouldn't get pneumonia I would probably just hang out outside and think about things for a while.

Otherwise, I have been playing the game Stronghold which is probably one of the coolest games ever made. I love how it tells you "You've been playing a long time sire." Like I am going to stop burning people in pitch oil just because you think I have been playing too long? No way programmed voice, not going to happen. The last mission I did I had to defend this castle while I got enough kegs of ale and enough of the population had been blessed. "The two great narcotics: alcohol and Christianity."

Musically I have been pretty stagnant the last few days. I was on a creation binge for a couple of weeks so I think it is good that I am taking a step back for a minute. I don't want to get burnt out on my own material before I even get everything recorded. I pretty much have just been listening to This Will Destroy You and pondering about how I have fucked up my life. I feel like 95% of what people tell me will make me happy doesn't make me happy at all. I often times just lose myself in my memories. I try to live in the moments when I was happier, usually on tour and life was so much simpler and exciting all at once. All the shit we shuffle around every other moment of the day is just that: shit. If every moment isn't moving towards something better than it's a moment wasted. And I waste so many fucking moments that it is crushing. But enough positive talk, stay gloomy.

Fightin' Round The World, Drowning: The Saga, Gloom It Yourself

Watched the 2010 version of "Robin Hood" with Russell Crowe last night. Was so fucking long, and it was kind of the boring precursor fluff that no one really cares about. (SPOILER ALERT!) But it was pretty satisfying at the end when that one asshole was running away again and Russell Crowe put an arrow through his neck. That was pretty brutal. It made me re-install  the game Stronghold too.

In band related news, I spent most of yesterday making a different version of "Drown Beneath Our Feet." I decided to kind of make it a two-parter. I wrote a song that was in a similar vein before I wrote that song and then I thought it would be cool to have them be inseparable songs. Like "Brain Stew" and "Jaded" by Green Day. Yeah just like that. So I finished the music for the demo version of the as of now untitled first song but no vocals yet. I might just make it an instrumental though, they both sound really post-metal to me so that could be cool. Even now I am re-listening to the songs and I realize that I pretty much have only listened to my own bands, Blink 182 and maybe Jesu lately. I should make it a point to draw inspiration from other records today. Tired of hearing my shit.

It's not official yet either, but we may be playing our first show in a long time sometime in the next few weeks. I don't want to make any empty promises, but I will keep all our rabid fans up to date on that. Hard to believe it has been probably a year since our last show. I remember we made these kind of crappy white shirts but it was still exciting to have some sort of merch. We only made like 15 of them but people wanted them I guess since we sold/gave out all of them that night. Hopefully Codi cooks up some pretty cool artwork for us, he handmade over a hundred Longing stickers back in the day and they were awesome. D.I.Y. Gloom.

The Time Machine, Drowning, Better Days

Drinking coffee and listening to Blink 182. Another night of intense dreaming. I don't know what is causing it but I hope it goes away soon. It might be lack of food, that is the only thing that has been different lately. I sleep in a basement next to a giant furnace we call "The Time Machine" and my first thought this morning was that thing could easily blow up. It's really old and runs on natural gas. My only hope is the shrapnel would make quick work of the whole thing.

I finished a demo for a new song last night. It is tentatively being called "Drown Beneath Our Feet." The vocal melody was haunting my dreams all night so I guess I did a good job with that. The song is kind of about being buried alive, literally and metaphorically. But it is based on a dream I had a while back where I fell through the ice in a frozen lake. Every person who I thought cared about me was standing around the hole that I was trying to crawl out of and they just stared. Completely indifferent to whether I got out or not. Needless to say I woke up very pensive.

I leave you with the song that was my gateway song into gloom at a young age. I haven't had apple juice in a long time. Mmm...

Dreams, Pissed off, Hunter

Woke up a little while ago. I have been having fucked up dreams lately. In one of them I was kidnapped and a guy was keeping me alive while he took pieces of muscle out of my right leg every time he was hungry but that way it would stay fresh. But it wasn't even scary it was just kind of like, "Dude come on, that fucking hurts!" But the weirdest thing is that they have been repeating throughout the night. Over and over again having the same dream repeat itself and I am just overwhelmed with deja vu all night.

I started a new song last night. They have just been pouring out of me lately, certainly more aggressive probably because I have been pretty pissed off recently. But hey aren't we all? Otherwise I have been really into tea lately. So either this next song will be about fucked up dreams and people eating my leg, or it will be about the soothing aroma and taste of tea. Haven't made up my mind yet.

Been listening to Wolves In The Throne Room this morning. Specifically Two Hunters, I have always found the idea of hunting fascinating in a human and nature sort of way. At a point where everything is handed to us, I think hunting 99.9% of the time is completely fucked up and unnecessary and serves merely as an ego boost for compassion-less individuals. And the argument that animals would starve if we didn't thin them down is just ridiculous. We displace their resources and destroy their homes and then have the audacity to suggest that we help them through murdering them. So in a lot of ways I find the whole act to be a reflection of us as a species. To kill out of sport. The song Hunter by Have A Nice Life is another great song that makes me wonder about this. "The Hunter does us all a great service, and we've done so much to deserve it."

First practice in a while, Long drives can be good.

Had our first practice in a really long time today as a full band. Felt like we never stopped. We played through Whitemarsh, Badroom, In A Nightmare and an earlier song with almost no problems. Kill God fell a part a little but we will pull it together. Did a lot in a pretty short amount of time though, Monte and I had to drive down to Kalamazoo because that's where our drummer lives now. The drive was well worth it though. Monte and I talked a lot about our upcoming record and the meaning of life which is basically to make this record. I know personally Longing has helped pull me through a lot of things in the past, present and hopefully the future. We are very excited for what is going to come. Can't wait to play a show again and really unleash too. (See Below)

Otherwise, I will probably just drink peppermint tea and work on more material. Luckily my voice was pretty much back today but going to take it easy still. Stay Gloomy.

New Song, Fucking Cold.

I came home from work yesterday feeling pretty pissed off for some reason.  I was playing bass and I came up with a little riff. It kind of reminded me of a clock my grandmother had that would ring every hour. So I became really into this idea of time as being the theme of the song. It all just fell together out of nothingness and is probably one of the most disgusting Godflesh/Jesu sounding material I have ever made. I am really excited to jam that one out with the others. Tentatively it is being called "Sundials." I have always thought sundials were cool ever since I saw Disney's Hercules and that street merchant exposed himself in a trench coat full of sundials.

After doing some vocal takes for the demo this morning, I am now feeling kind of shitty and it is officially cold as fuck in Michigan. But that's what is great about writing this type of music, it's so easy to be in a shitty place and just let the music write itself. Excited to get this record going and maybe play some shows in the the near future. Stay gloomy.

Hey we're doing this shit again

Hello anyone. My name is Zach, and I am the bass player/vocalist in this project known as Longing. The other members are Monte on guitar and Codi on drums. We have not played a show or really written music in about a year or so. We are kind of a hit or miss band. Often times we miss. But the flames have rekindled and we are trying to get back in the game. So if you have never heard of us, don't be surprised. Once I figure out how to use this site better I will post some things and maybe you will find them coo. It should be noted that despite being described as a "Brooding dark depressive shoegaze" band, this blog will probably be primarily goofy as shit since none of us have an ounce of seriousness outside of our music. We leave it all on the court when we do play on rare occasions. Last show I had crippling back spasms, Codi threw up on his new drum kit and Monte cried blood. We always aim to please. So anyways, hope to see you soon. Here is a link to our new Bandcamp with most of our old material and some newer demos. Stay gloomy. http://longingmi.bandcamp.com/